I decided today was a good day to do some shopping. It's not like I have a lot of presents to buy. There's Margaret, my Mom and then I buy a fistful of scratch and win tickets for those "Oh shit I need a gift" moments.
Normally I shop alone. Yea with nobody else. And when I shop alone, I prefer to be by myself (with apologies to George Thorogood). So what happens? Norton wants to tag along. Rather than let him bug me, I just let it slide. I drove to the mall in relative silence other than the radio, and once there I just did my purpose driven walk thing. First off I went to the sexy store, I have no idea what it's called for real. It's just the sexy store. Margaret likes pajamas and I like her in pajamas - which is funny because when she's in them she doesn't actually get to wear them for long ... cough, anyway - moving on. There was a nice cozy pair on the womannequin that I figured would fit her, so I bought them.
Next it was off to the lottery kiosk to pick up a half dozen tickets. Then it was off to find Mom her gift and since 1991 I've been getting her the same thing: A fruitcake. Who says I'm not thoughtful? Its a gift that says you're a nut loaf, and its soaked in alcohol. They have a lot in common. I have no idea if they let her have it in prison - but I've never had one returned. Apparently Mom is up for parole for her last brush with the law in a few months. We'll see. I usually get a call asking for money just before she gets out.
Anyways, I'd done what I'd set out to do, but Norton was looking decidedly cagey. I was heading back to the van when Norton stopped. I kept walking, but after a few steps my conscience, that most evil of internal devices, made me stop. I shit you not, there was a tear in his eye.
Shit.
"What's the matter boy?" Calling him boy usually gets his goat something serious, but all I got was a lot of nothing. I thought I saw a lip quiver, but it was hard to tell in that light.
"I don't know what to get for Fiona." His girlfriend, and if I am to be honest a nice kid.
"How about a fruit cake?" again no response. I didn't have time for this, I wanted to go home and watch some TV. Besides, I had to fish the tinsel out of the litter box - it was starting to look like a French disco. So I opted to buy some time. "Has she dropped any hints? You know pointed stuff out, mentioned anything?" Of course she had. Come to think of it Margaret had been dropping a lot of hints too. But at the moment dang me if I could remember any of them. I looked at the bag with the PJ's. I was pretty sure this was on her list.
Norton was in think mode which meant I could steer him. Which I did to the nearest exit. As we walked out the door we passed one of those bell ringing Santas. He gave us a jolly "Ho ho ho" and rang his bell in my ear. I threw in the change from my pocket and kept walking.
Now Norton had me second guessing myself, but not for long. When I got home I wrapped up the PJ's feeling confident I was going to be the hero of Christmas. I also got Mom's gift in the mail.
All in all I was feeling quite pleased with myself.
But I couldn't quite shake the feeling there was something awry in the land of Chapman.
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