Today started out with so well. December 2nd yielded another gummy zombie, which I had with my oatmeal. Norton didn't look pleased. Apparently the way the advent calendar works is we alternate days. I just figured it was mine and all mine (insert maniacal laughter here). He just sat there pouting, and wouldn't touch his breakfast. "Its too hot." he said grumpily. Which I thought was a load of shit because mine was just right.
I didn't have much on the go today so I decided it would be good to go out and perhaps do a little Christmas shopping and wander through the shops. It's not like I really like shopping, but I do enjoy people watching and besides it would get me out of the house.
Norton's list was still hanging from the fridge, so I took it down on my way out of the house. I figured I'd just deliver it. This was a mistake on two counts. First I touched the list, which I assume gave Norton the idea that I was taking said list with me shopping so I could fill his stocking with love and happiness on Christmas morning. Second Norton took this as an invitation to come along with me, because no sooner had I plucked the list when he shouted "Shotgun!"
Norton in many ways is what an inbreed golden retriever would be like if it was a human. As we drove into town I was expecting him to roll down the window and stick his head out. I'm glad he didn't because it was pretty cold outside. When I'm driving I'm not a great conversationalist. It's not that I'm concentrating or anything it's just that I'm not a great conversationalist. Norton on the other hand is a constant jibber jabberer.
For whatever reason he was on a social justice kick today. "John, did you know that the Nobel Peace prize is going to Loo Zaboo this year? I mean all I'm saying is give peace a chance."
I couldn't help it, I rolled my eyes. Which launched Norton into fresh stream of bumper sticker observations about the world and odd lyrical misquotes from old Bob Dylan songs - I have to assume was unintentional because I'm pretty sure he has no idea who Bob Dylan is.
He was driving me crazy. I needed a drink, but it was too early for a drink drink so I opted for coffee. "Norton, want to grab a coffee?" I didn't really expect an answer because I was looking for a place to park. They says there's a Starbucks on every corner, and that's not too far from the truth. I'm not the biggest fan of their coffee but it'll do in a pinch. We walked in, Norton was still mumbling away and I was doing my best to ignore him. After waiting in line a few minutes a happy smiling face asked "What can I start for you today?"
"I'll have a coffee please. Black."
"Will that be dark, or mild? Room for cream?"
I'd learned the hard way after suffering the explosive diuretic effects of their dark roast the last time I'd had their coffee that this was actually a serious question. "Mild please, and I'll take it black thank you."
Norton on the other hand knew exactly what he wanted "I'll have a vente Cabana Boy..." I think that's what he said, it was followed by more gibberish I didn't quite understand, but to the trained ear of a Starbucks barista it was plain English.
So we sat at a little round table where Norton launched right into a series of bold statements that left me somewhat dumbstruck. It reminded me a little of the conversations first year philosophy students have about whether they really exist or not. He was so earnest that I bit my tongue and tried not to resort to my usual response which was "Norton, you're an idiot." What I said was "Norton, the problems of the world today can be summed up in one word: Cows. Cows are the root of all the world's problems."
He was about to say something but I cut him off. "Norton, tell you what. You stop talking I'll look at your list, and I'll get you something. Okay."
Norton grinned like an idiot and did that zipping the lips thing and pretended to throw away the key. It was pretty convincing. He made a point of unzipping to drink his "coffee" and rezip after he was done.
The rest of the day passed in relative silence.
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