... And Twice on Sunday

I have an unusual relationship with the big man upstairs. I love that he loves me and all, but I wish he'd talk to the rest of his followers and remind them that they're supposed to love each other, and not just themselves. There's only so much of the "Jesusweetjesus" stuff I can take before I start to taste my own vomit.

I was given a choice today by Norton: I could come to church, or I could stay home; but I wouldn't like it.

I believed him.

Last time Norton gave me a choice I stayed home. The little shit went into my TV controller box thing and locked me out, but before doing that he'd programmed in a marathon session of Jack Van Impe, and his lovely and enthusiastic wife Rexella. Where I learned (among other things) that black holes were the scientifically proven location of hell. Norton also managed to disable the volume and the off button.

So to make a long story even longer when Norton gave me the option, I figured getting a shot of Jesus and a decent coffee was better than listening to Dr. Van Impe try to guess the date of the second coming - considering that "no man knows the hour ... " does his claiming to know make him less of a man?

A horn sounded outside. Norton poked his head in the kitchen. "Mom's here, let's go." Then he raced out the door calling shotgun. Crap. I hated the back seat. Thankfully the church (okay it was in a school gym) was just down the street. We arrived in record time - Mrs. McCleary could really pedal when she put her mind to it. Remind me to tell you about the time she spent the weekend in jail for street racing.

I went inside and went for the coffee, and grabbed a mug. Today's inspirational message was a bit of a surprise. "Jesus said,'Turn the other cheek.'" then in small print it read brought to you by the Christian Men's Proctology Association.

It didn't help that the chair I got didn't have padding. So I sat there, and suffered in my own way and when it was all over I felt better.

All in all, one of those awkward moments that loses a lot in the retelling.

The Seven Irritating Habits of an Irritating Person

September is one of my favourite months. Everyone I know makes their resolutions in January to coincide with the start of a new year. Me, I turn over my leaves after Labor Day. I have to try to make them "new" leaves, otherwise I keep turning over the same leaf, and repeat the same mistakes over and over. But for the most part I tend to feel rejuvenated come fall.

Norton's been living with me now for a couple of months, and despite my initial worries, he actually turning out to be a pretty decent kid. He does the lawn without having to be told, and I haven't gotten any calls from his mom in weeks. Outside the first week Norton moved in when he cut into the lawn "If you can't read this, YOU'RE STANDING TOO CLOSE!"

I've had to adjust to his little foibles, and he has a lot.

1. He hums when he's eating something he enjoys.
2. He likes Bruce Campbell (how is this a bad thing? He likes Alien Apocalypse - a lot)
3. He likes ABBA. More than is natural. (He sings like Pierce Brosnan with a cold)
4. He irons his socks.
5. He likes to clean up my workshop.
6. He's always leaving the seat down on the toilet.
7. His hero is Joseph Pujol. He's practicing to be like his hero. He does a lot of laundry.

Was there any point to this? Not really, but it was more fun than doing what I supposed to be doing. Starting Monday, I really am going to try and keep up with stuff. One of the first things will be to go see Vernon, something I've been putting off for the last month and a bit.