Mamma Mia - Here We Go Again

Norton it turns out is a huge ABBA fan. Much to Margaret's delight - and to my horror.

Margaret and Norton shanghaied me into going to see "Mamma Mia!" and it just so happened to be the sing along showing we were going to go see. Margaret came over wearing a blond wig, blue eye shadow, looking very much like Agnetha (don't ask me how I know the name - I blame it on an evil form of osmosis).

"Oh my god, you never told me it was a costume show too!" I felt like going to bed and curling into the fetal position.

Margaret shimmied up to me, and cooed in my ear, "Take a chance on me." I tried to reach around and grab her ass, but she scooted out of the way, and ran down the hall calling for Norton. Right on cue the little moron popped up wearing a white jump suit and had a tennis racket slung over his shoulder. There was a squeal, (I think it was from Norton) and Norton ran into the arms of my girlfriend ... this was going to be a long night.

"Which one are you supposed to be?" I asked as I weaseled my way between them.

"I'm Björn!" exclaimed Norton, who had a huge grin on his face, and was playing air guitar on his racket. Margaret was grinning as well, which was setting my teeth on edge.

"More like Björn Borg."

"Ha ha, that's very funny coming from you, John McIntosh." He tried to give Margaret a high five, and missed.

"I think you mean John McEnroe you little moron." (He hated being called a moron, mainly because I said it in such as way as to sound like Norton with a silent "t") I was about to punch him in the arm, when the door bell rang, and the cats ran for the door getting themselves caught up in my legs in the process.

Norton took the chance to get away and made it to the door before I did. "Hello mom."

I peeked over Norton's shoulder and it took me a second to realize it was indeed Mrs. McCleary. She stood there on the porch looking impatient, and if I didn't know better it was as if she was expecting to be invited in to MY house. Margaret squealed a little, and clapped her hands (holy crap, she sounded like Norton when she did that). "Oh my goodness, Barbara you look magnificent, please come in, we're almost ready. Did you bring the stuff for John?"

Something in my stomach turned over. This could not end well for me. Wait a second, Barbara? Mrs. McCleary had a first name? What was she doing in my house, and what the hell was she doing wearing that god awful red wig.

Then my stomach turned over again, and I got a little bit of vomit in my mouth.

"Oh no. Abso-freakin-lutely not! No way. THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN."

Margaret opened the bags Mrs. McCleary dropped on the floor. "Oh John," Margaret actually cooed, "come on - this will be great fun. I promise you I'll find a way to make this up to you if you do this for me." She pulled out a white polyester suit that was the twin to the monstrosity Norton was wearing, and then she pulled out a blond wig, and what looked like a furry snake. She shook it at me. "Come on John." Then she grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bedroom.

A few minutes later I emerged, feeling like an idiot. I looked at myself in the hallway mirror - with the wig and beard you could hardly recognize me. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. I would be incognito - but then again, I'd be with Margaret and the moron and his decrepit mother who looked more like something from a child's nightmare than she did Frida. She could have worn a bra with a thicker under wire or something, she was likely to trip over herself if she wasn't careful.

When Margaret and I walked into the kitchen Norton squealed again and shouted "Benny!" as he ran up to me to give me a high five - which I ignored, leaving him swatting air. Then it dawned on me. Why was I Benny? Why couldn't I be Björn and go with Margaret? So I asked, and I was told that Norton didn't want to be paired with his mom, and figured because I was old anyway it would be a better match to his mom's Frida

And that was that. So we all piled into Barabara's car and made our way to the theater, and of course to get into the mood, Norton had his copy of ABBA Gold on cassette so we could play it on the way.

We arrived around 8:30, and there wasn't much of a crowd. We got a lot of attention and when we went to get tickets we were informed that the sing-a-long performance was at 7:15 and that the late show was a regular sitting. As we made our way to our seats Norton and Margaret were giving high fives to the people in the audience, and "Frida" was doing that royal wave thing. Me, I grinned despite myself and gave a thumbs up here and there. We sat in the front row, and although it wasn't the sing-a-long version we all sang along anyway, and I surprised myself by knowing more words than I thought I knew, and by the end of the show we were all cheering and clapping.

I figured since I was in costume I may as well play it up. Besides tonight I'd be taking home a Swedish blond, and that was something worth taking a chance on.

Ikea - Swedish for Hell

My brother Curtis is in town for a few days, and he wanted to pick up some bric-a-brac for his place. I was sitting in the kitchen throwing treats at the cats when Curtis came in holding an Ikea catalog.

"Hey John, let's go to Ikea. It'll be fun. We can go to the restaurant and have meat balls, and then we can go shopping!."

I was filled with dread. If Margaret caught wind of this, it would be an all day affair. It didn't help that at the word shopping Norton poked his head in the kitchen. "Somebody say 'shopping'?" Before you could say "Holy Shit" he and Curtis had their heads together and they were flipping pages going "ooh" and "aah" like a couple school girls.

Then it happened.

The doorbell rang.

It was Margaret.

Of course.

"What's going?" she asked. Both Curtis and Norton grinned like idiots (not a stretch) and Curtis held up the catalog. On queue Margaret clapped her hands together. "Goody! When are we going?"

I was beaten. I threw a last treat in the air, and watched as Clarence 1 jumped to try and snag it, but Clarence 2 beat him to it, only to have Clarence 3 pounce on his head and take the morsel for himself. "Let's go. We'll have to take the car, because Jimmy has the Fargo in the shop." I didn't get the reaction I'd hoped.

The "car" was an old Datsun Pulsar. It was once black, but it was now a mottled charcoal color, and only one of the pop up headlights still popped - but the best part was that the little sewing machine engine under the hood was in dire need of a gasket job. It smoked like one of those old Buck Rogers spaceships. People driving behind me had to put on their headlights to be able to see.

All I got was Norton yelling "Shotgun." and Curtis punched him in the arm hard. I love my brother.

Ikea is one of those stores that likes to be a "destination" store - which means that it's out in the middle of freakin' nowhere, and it takes forever to get there. It took even longer today, because I got pulled over by the cops. Apparently a concerned citizen called 911 because there was a car on fire driving down the freeway.

We arrived to squeals of delight from Curtis and Norton. Margaret was clapping her hands. To me it looked like a giant blue and yellow trimmed prison. I parked, unrolled the windows and left the doors unlocked (who knows, maybe someone would steal the car) and we made our way into the great Disneyland of shopping experiences.

The first thing we did was grab coffee and cinnamon buns then sat down to plan our adventure. I wished I was able to go to the ball room. But sadly not only was I too old, I was too tall even on my knees to fake my way in.

Margaret clasped my hand and snuggled into my shoulder, "This is sooooo fun." I smiled and mussed her hair, trying to let a little of her enthusiasm rub off. All told we spent four and half hours wandering around the store. We filled three yellow bags, and I have to admit I had more fun than I expected. I bought two hundred tea lights, and a really cool set of cat dishes for Clarence.

The ride home was relatively quiet - we were stuffed with meat balls. The silence was broken by Margaret, "Hey we should go out and see Mamma Mia."