Today's Tom Sawyer and a Firt Full of Dollars

I hate shopping.

Hate may seem a strong reaction to shopping, but it's true. I go in, I get my shit.  Pay for said shit. Then leave.

Easy peasy.

Shopping with Norton is easy.  I don't shop with Norton.  Norton shops with me.  If he whines I send him back to the truck.

Shopping with Margaret is painful.

If shopping was an eating disorder it would be bulimia.  She goes in.  Buys whatever she wants.  Takes it all home, tries it on.  Suffers from buyer's remorse, and then brings back most of what she bought.  Not all of it of course ... she has to "eat" after all.

So the other day we're all in the van tootling around and Margaret yells "Stop the car! Turn around."

First it should be noted that while I am not a nervous driver by nature, someone unexpectedly yelling while I'm driving tends to make me jump out of my skin.

"What the hell Margaret, you made me soil myself.  What's the deal?"

"Turn around John, there's a sale at Ellens."

My first reaction was shit.  Followed by my second reaction which was a twin to the first.  I didn't slow down and kept moving.

Before I go on I will state for the record Margaret doesn't normally hit me.  But when she does she has an uncanny ability to find that space on my shoulder where the muscle and bone connect.

To cut down on the amount of words I have to type and to try to get to the point of this particular post let's fast forward a bit.

• I turn around
• I park the car
• I promise not to complain
• I make Norton promise not to complain
• We go into the store

Margaret is in heaven, and Norton and I do that aimless wander routine men do when they're stuck in a women's clothing store. Norton is following me around like a puppy. We pass a mannequin that isn't dressed ... I'd normally say it was naked, but I'm not sure that's a true statement. It doesn't have arms, or a head.  It's just a torso.  Norton stops, "Hey John.  How come this one has nipples?"

I look. Sure enough, it has poky bits ... I said I didn't know, and could we keep moving.  He then stopped at a large display of underpants.  Norton is enthralled. "Norton, I'll give you a hundred dollars if you put that one on your head and walk over to Margaret and ask her if it fits."

"Really?" He tilted his head sideways a little trying to process what was happening. "A hundred bucks?  No.  Really?  You're kidding right?"

I walk away and I can hear him muttering.

A couple minutes later I catch up to Margaret (I'd done my circle around the store) and she's there with Norton.  "John, you know what Norton just did?"

I got a little sinking feeling in my gut.  I look at Norton and his face is a little flushed.

"He comes up to me with a thong on his head like a balaclava and asks me if it fits."

Norton starts to giggle. The feeling in my gut intensifies as I realize I am about to be out a hundred bucks.

It wasn't until we were on our way home that Margaret asked me why Norton would ask her to say that.

My tummy suddenly felt better.

"What do you mean?" I can see Norton squirm in the mirror.

"He said he'd give me five bucks if I said he'd put panties on his head." Why would he do that John?"

I could see Norton shrug.  It was worth an effort his eyes said.

All I  could think was I'm glad I didn't ask him to paint the fence.

Giggyup Gung Yun-Fat Chow

So today was the lunar new year. Gung hay fat choy! We wanted to order in Chinese food to celebrate but for whatever reason getting delivery would have taken forever, so we went out for sushi.

Norton isn't the most adventurous eater so he had miso soup and chicken teriyaki. Me being a food philistine I have no idea what's what so Margaret ordered for me - and it was delicious, except for the novelty roll of spam sushi she ordered for fun.  I shit you not - SPAM (that most delicious of nearly wicked pressed ham like food product!). When the server came by to ask how things were Norton asked quite seriously if we could have the sushi without the spam.

She must get this a bit because she immediately replied, "That roll has avocado, crab, spicy tuna, rice, cucumber and just a thin slice of spam wrapped in seaweed." Then from behind the glass there the chefs were working, one looked up and said, "I can make him a roll with avocado, crab, spicy tuna, rice, cucumber and put the spam on the side."

The server waited a moment before turning her back and moving on to the next table.  Norton ate in silence for the rest of the dinner.  On the way home Norton perked up, and proclaimed that in honour of the year of the horse, we would watch a classic movie with Yun-Fat Chow. He's no Bruce Campbell, but he's done some cool stuff, and some of those John Woo films kicked ass.

Turns out Norton isn't really up on what actually constitutes "classic" as Margaret and I were subjected to Dragonball Evolution. It was an hour and a half we won't get back.

Super Shipping, Man. Guaranteed

Norton has decided to embrace online shopping in a way that is equal parts inspiring and frightening. It's not like he's hoarding, but I have to say the bookshelf in his room is chock full of bric-a-brac, most of which are anime figures (apparently). I'm not sure where he's getting the money, as I'm pretty sure he's run out of Christmas cash, and I don't think he's qualified for a credit card (okay, who am I kidding - everyone qualifies!). Hopefully he's not digging a hole he can't get out of.

I was in the kitchen feeding Clarence (plural) when I heard a girly squeal from down the hall. Margaret wasn't over - so using my powers of deduction I ascertained that it was Norton. Not wanting to actually go and see I just yelled.  "What's going on in there Norton?"

He heard me, but I had no idea what he was saying.

"What was that?"

Again more mumbling.

"What's going on?"

... silence.

Now I make fun of Norton occasionally.  Okay, I make fun of him all the time.  It's the only sport I can still do, what with my sore feet, bad back and general lack of coordination. I score a lot of points, but like the Washington Generals he does get on the board. The one thing that drives me crazy is when he refuses to answer me when I'm "talking" to him. Or as is more accurate when I'm yelling from the kitchen, basement, garage, or bathroom (when you're out of paper you don't just sit there ... okay you sit there, but you holler and sit there).

So I stomped my way to Norton's room.  He was back lit from his computer monitor.  He turned and grinned at me (one for the Generals) "Oh hey John.  Look at this," he pointed at the monitor. "Check this out, I'm bidding on a 1977 Chewbacca, but look here.  See this is the best part, 'guaranteed used toy' they must think I'm pretty stupid.  Of course it's used.  They need to convince me it isn't new?"

I was about to say something when I realized the score was even.  I just nodded and walked away.

You Can't Redeem the Redeemed in Life's Lottery

Not sure what happened today during church. I do know the sermon went in one ear and out the other - but that's not exactly anything new or special.

Coffee was good today - which is always a plus. The last couple of times I'm not quite sure what the ladies were brewing in back - a weird concoction that tasted like two parts Postum and one part Sanka.

Shit, where was I?

Church ... coffee ... forgettable sermon. Right, lottery tickets! I was sitting in church and I started rummaging through my wallet where I found an old lottery ticket. I know it was mine because I had scribbled my signature on the front. Last thing I want to do is win big, die from the shock and leave Norton to claim my prize. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't make a good movie ... and I can't (and won't) imagine Norton riding a motorcycle naked.

Looking at my ticket I was filled with hope. I zoned out to that special place where lottery dreams dwell. It is a happy place. Such a happy place. I looked at the ticket and the array of numbers. Was it a winner?

Did it really matter? Sure it mattered, but only if it was a winner.

As it was it represented hopes and dreams and wonder of what could be.

I smiled and put the ticket back in my wallet and tried to pick up the thread of the sermon. Margaret must have seen the ticket and whispered, "We should check that, you never know."

"No we don't, and I kind of like it that way."

Age of Aquarius in a Fish Bowl

I stopped in for a coffee between jobs today. Not my normal haunt, it was (wait for it) a Sta...(I can't bring myself to say it) a place that makes coffee, and despite my snobbery with respect to the magic bean they make an okay cup of coffee. Although I think they've lost their way just a little. Of the ten people in the queue waiting for a barista I was one of two who actually wanted a coffee - and the other took cream and sugar (so it doesn't count) the rest were an odd concoction of blended and assembled beverages that would MacGyver jealous.

With coffee in hand I figured I'd sit for a few minutes and decompress while I recharged. I was surrounded by what I think we were hipsters. A few were plugged into the wall charging their toys, a couple had laptops and one brave soul with a soul patch was reading a book.

There was a young girl with her back to me talking rather loudly on her cell phone while her free hand conducted her conversation. I giggled a little when I imagined her performing Victor Borge's Phonetic Pronunciation (phonetic, get it? It works because she was on the phone - okay I dragged that past the point of return, but I thought it was funny). I really didn't mean to eavesdrop, but bits and pieces of her one sided conversation caught my attention. "You see, it says here that you'll be not only be lucky in love, but you will also find yourself financially secure ... so you have nothing to worry about. What's that? No, really this is good news! See I told you things would turn around this year, aren't you happy?" It went on for a couple of minutes. I was entranced, this was more fun that hearing Norton read out loud from the Farmer's Almanac when he's in the washroom (don't ask).

I'm not really poo pooing the whole astrology thing. Okay, I am a little - but really it was more her earnest belief that her friend on the other end of the line was set for the year.
Who knows, if it makes her happy, then I'm happy - although I'm pretty sure if things tank for her friend she'll feel a little silly ... or not.

Hard to tell these days.

I suppose I'm one to talk, I go to church and pray to an all seeing invisible God who apparently really likes certain people from select denominations. I'm kind of hoping I'm going to the right church where we've got it all figured out and there aren't any weird surprises in the after life.

Oh ...

Now that was a digression. I thought I was making sport of asstrology.
To make a short story a little shorter I finished my coffee, and as I walked past the still gesticulating young lady I hummed rather loudly my favourite 5th Dimension song ... she never batted an eye.